Nick's Playing Field

我不是神仙，没有办法控制自己的情绪。

转眼已经两个半月，两个月，两周...你没有看上去坚强，你也比照片上美丽; 你比你想得出色，你只是还没有归属...唉，无与伦比地语无伦次

就要回家了，可是我还没准备好，但还要装作信心百倍无比期待

再见，青岛

匆匆忙忙的，还有两天就要去大不列颠小旅行，东西还没有收拾，要看的文件一沓沓，许多事情也过了deadline....一个月可以坐八次飞机，青岛－济南－北京－伦敦....下一站是苏格兰么？忐忑地焦虑中....

你的单反里的照片是不是也一样有feel?

Recently I've been in great pain. 要么被生活选择，要么选择自己的生活。不是特意想给戴上这么高的帽子，而确实现在的状态就是这样，我也找不到更合适的词语来描述。

接触了一些人，认识很久的和新认识的，深感人之间的差别之大难以三言两语就带过。在时而向这个人的生活靠拢的时候，又被新的生活状态拉到另一边，左边又右边的状态搞得自己很疲惫－原来配合是如此艰难和痛苦。这就是生活选择－我怎样做，取决于我要“配合”什么样的生活。翻来覆去，为什么不是别人配合自己的生活，让生活按照自己的方向走？这就是选择生活。经历过生活选择，我深知选择自己的生活才是最正确的，但是为什么还这么难？因为我不知道朝哪个方向走。

我有很多缺点，其中的一些随着工作的时间越久就越发明显，而这些缺点都会影响我工作上的发展。其实心里是知道要改掉这些缺点的，但是没想到改变自己之难。稍微一放纵，就会被分神，任由这些缺点继续；而放纵之后总是悔恨莫及，如何如何下定决心改变自己。这样反反复复过程让我左右摇摆，缺点却没有改变，而时间却一点点流失，也错过了选择生活方向的最佳时机。

每每当我意识到要选择生活方向的时候，我又因为错过了最佳时机而犹豫不决，结果正在进行的事情不能给出100%的付出，想做的事情又在起始和暂停中徘徊。这种摇摆式的生活让我深处great pain之中。该做什么，不该做什么，我也不知道了。

按照通常的说法我该take a break，做自己喜欢的事情。记得去年冬天对待滑雪一如既往的坚定，正是我向往的状态，但是当工作重新开始的时候，这种坚定又不存在了。现在也是，在目前糟糕的状态下，我并不是任何时候都徘徊，一旦跑步的时候我就能克服自己的缺点，感觉自己get back to the person that I used to be，但是脚步停下来的时候，我又变回那个“糟糕的人”。所以，休息也不能解决问题，我也不知道该怎么办。

难得糊涂，知道自己面对的问题而无法解决，I'm in great pain. I'm struggling in great pain.

出生于1958年的Michael Jackson是不应该和我们这个年纪有很多交集的：开始听英文歌不是因为他的影响；全球有史以来最畅销专辑《Thriller》发行在我没出生的年代； 上初一的时候MJ已经出版了精选集《HIStory: Past, Present and Future, Book I.》,而MJ的下一张专辑《Invincible》，也是最后一张专辑，也是6年以后的2001年了。然而MJ的突然去世，却成为被80后主宰的各大社 交网站的主题。周末我没去看企盼两年的《变形金刚II》，而是把《HIStory》下载来带上新买的耳机第一次从头到尾听了一遍。

20世纪最后二十年里有两个MJ，一个是饱受争议的流行音乐之王（Michael Jackson），另一个是传奇的篮球巨星（Michael Jordan）。Michael Jordan还活着，但是记忆已经变浅；Michael Jackson已经远去，但也许是因为走得太突然和被铺天盖地的回忆所包围，我以为仿佛他还活着，挣扎着去重拾每一点回忆就仿佛我们很害怕时间会洗刷MJ对我们的影响。

"Michael Jackson"对我曾经是个模糊的概念，直到上初中，遇到我碰到的最伟大的音乐教师。音乐课是我小学最头疼的课程之一，因为我自认为毫无音乐细胞，，而 统一的音乐教材也让我以为音乐课就是革命歌曲和无聊的五线谱。然而初中的音乐老师推翻了这种传统的教学模式，她的课尽量只花很少的时间完成教学任务，剩下 的时间就给我们放她收集的音乐有关录像带，记得最清楚的，就是雅尼雅典卫城音乐会和MJ的演出录像。有一次，她甚至组织我们到学校的礼堂看MJ的音乐录影 带，因为礼堂里有好几台电视，我们可以坐得更近看得更清楚！第一次，音乐课成为我们最想上的课，下了上节课就冲去音乐教室、下课铃想后也恳求老师不要下 课。那个时候，我们第一次知道演唱会可以让歌迷疯狂到昏迷，被其他歌迷像传送带一样抬走；第一次知道舞蹈可以这样跳、音乐可以这样看；第一次知道，这就是 Michael Jackson。同学的《HIStory》磁带被四处借走以致封面都磨得快看不清楚；偶尔在音像店看到《HIStory》的录像带，都不敢奢望自己会有一 天拥有，而包装封面上屹立的MJ塑像则成了永久的记忆。除了音乐课，来自新西兰的外教Susan每节课都教我们唱一首英文歌，其中就包括MJ的《Heal the World》。直到现在，这也是我唯一能唱几句的MJ的歌。

我初中毕业了，MJ再也没有发行新专辑，世界好像也忘记了这个流行音乐之王，只是偶尔高中同学模仿MJ的“太空舞步”和演唱《You're Not Alone》，才让我想起MJ这个名字。那段时间，Michael Jordan是被提起更多的“MJ”，芝加哥公牛队主场也比演唱会现场更吸引人。2001年，MJ再次回到我们的视线中，专辑《Invincible》仿 佛还停留在80年代，与这个时代格格不如，没有共鸣，只有惨淡。而MJ比这张新专辑更吸引眼球的，是虐童、离婚、负债和因为整容而随时可能脱落的鼻子。那 个时候的MJ，不再是舞台上光鲜的上帝，没有闪亮的演出服和迷幻的舞步，只有蓬乱的头发、遮挡整容失败的围巾；没有格莱美的青睐，只有连续四年“最差艺人 ”的称号。就连电台也仿佛忘记了“流行音乐之王”，而比MJ更久远的猫王，还可以偶尔通过《Can't Help Falling in Love》在电台找到一席之地。今天，火爆的机械舞比赛视频在网上被浏览上万次，也没有人提到MJ的舞步。MJ创造了不朽的音乐世界，但最终被世界所抛弃 和嘲弄。

2009年MJ回来了，高调宣布告别演出。可是仿佛媒体都不如歌迷疯狂，除了炒作，仿佛更像是在等待看看这个年过半百的昨夜黄花怎样弄好自己的鼻子以致出 场不用带口罩。6月26日，“终于”，他们不用等了，MJ不辞而别了，驻扎在Jackson大街的狗仔队员们也可以晚上好好回家睡觉，抱着枕头而不是昂贵 的长焦相机。

MJ曾跟朋友说他很孤独，没有人真正理解他。今次他走了，也终于可以安心了，他终于解脱了。想想接下来多少个孤独的日子和没 有好气的娱乐媒体，也许一走了之就是最好的方法。我们都宁愿相信MJ去了一个更好的地方，一个他不再孤独的地方，可以继续热爱他的音乐和舞蹈的地方。MJ 悄悄的离去了，没有告别，没有新闻，然而他应该欣慰了，因为终于，他又获得了全世界的真心，这个本来就属于他的心。留下的，是不朽的前无古人的音乐传奇和 一个永远伟大的形象：

• 总唱片销量和单张唱片销量世界第一，总唱片销量高达7.5亿，他的《Thriller》销量高达1.4亿。被吉尼斯世界纪录评选为世界上最成功的艺人；
• 截止2006年，MJ为慈善事业的贡献高达3亿美圆，他捐助慈善机构多达39家；
• 两次被诺贝尔和平奖提名；
• MJ做过三次整容手术，其中两次是鼻子，一次是植皮，但是这次植皮是因为治愈烧伤；MJ的皮肤不是传说中的漂白而成，而是因为他患有严重的白癜风皮肤病，是家族遗传
• 到我写下这句话为止，Amazon.com每小时更新的销量前13名的音乐专辑全部是MJ的，前25名中有19张来自MJ
• ... ...
  

It’d been 3 months since the Global Runners successfully completed the Shanghai Half Marathon challenge before I saw The North Face 100 Endurance Beijing Challenge promotional ad in the Mar09 issue of Outside magazine.  Our Global Runners’ spirit had been spread widely and well across our various offices.  In HK, the runners had been running consistently and regularly; Ricky participated the 1st Zhuhai Half Marathon and Tokyo Marathon; Nick-the-CEO grew the Team Taipei from 1 to over 10 runners.  The Shanghai Marathon jersey, however, stayed in my closet for the entire 3 months.

When it came to that I was the only Global Runner who didn’t run the Shanghai Half and that I’d never run a road race….I felt the need to run TNF100. I also wanted to know if I could run a distant race again since I injured my leg last Oct when I was preparing for the Shanghai Half-Marathon.  So almost immediately after I saw the ad, I registered the 10k race. And I also asked one of my best friends to come along and run with me.

The North Face has sponsored a series of endurance runs around the global and in Asia-Pacific the race is named after TNF100 because the longest distance in these races is 100km. The series come to China on 25Apr09 for the first time this year and the 100km route starts from Juyongguan Great Wall site and ends at Ming Tomb Reservoir. The 10k route, which is actually 11.6km long, goes around the Ming Tomb Reservoir where 2008 Olympics triathlon was hosted. The registration closed at 98 participants in 100k, >250 in 40k and 2,600 in 10k.

100k started at 5:45am and 40k/10k at 9am.  40k/10k runners were asked to arrive at the Start at 7am for registration that was later found not required to 10 runners at all. So I had enough time resting and warming up.  Having found that it would took around 2hrs to get to the Ming Tomb Reservoir from home, I got up at 4am so as to catch the first subway train at 5:09am. After 30min train ride, I needed to take a bus at its origin stop and got off at the last stop where shuttle bus took runners to the Start.

It was bright and sunny day with highest temperature at 20 degrees Celsius, and the view of the reservoir was undoubtfully beautiful. But wind kills - it was cold at the Start when I only wore the Global Runners jersey and short. 10k runners were not provided with chips so I managed to slip into the crowds at the front as possible as I could, to have a better starting position and at the same time to avoid wind in the crowd.

The view along the first 5k was also beautiful with reservoir at one side and Mangshan National Park at the other. And runners could run in the shade of lush trees almost all the way along the route.   Road condition was very good, probably because there’s less traffic than in the city, with ups and downs that differs the 10k from road races such as marathon, though many runners wished there would’ve been dirt road in the 10k as there was in 40k/100k races.  After the first and also the only water station, runners ran on a 600m-long dam and then went into the last half of the race, which was also the most difficult part as the altitude map showed that runners needed to go almost all the way uphill for 3k. During this 3k, I felt I had run a little bit faster in the first half of the race than I expected because I felt my legs heavier and some runners surpassed me (of course, I surpassed some others). The last 1.5k had more downhill than uphill so I tried to make full use of it to ran faster and surpass others.

Finally I completed the 11.6km in 56min39sec, the 123rd out of 2600 registrants (or the 153rd, I didn't know the staff at the Finish was announcing the ranking when I crossed the finish line so I didn’t pay attention, but definitely within the first 200 runners).  I’m happy with the result given it’s my first road race and I’m also happy with the fact that I believe the number of runners I surpassed is much bigger than that of runners surpassing me.

Overall I think it was a good race, both in terms of my own performance and the race itself that was well organized from the beginning. The North Face made a beautiful website for this event with regular update on routes, altitude maps, traffic suggestion, news and announcement.  If TNF100 series continue to be there in Beijing in the next few years, I hope I could register the 40k in 2 years by when I hope I could finish my first full marathon.

Btw, 3 hours after I crossed the finished line, Kaburaki Tsuyoushi completed his 100km in 6hr52min! And the runner up who completed in 7hr14min is a college student!

2 days later, it’s the 1st anniversary of 5.12 Sichuan Earthquake. It will remind me why Global Runners started to run and why we will keep running.

今天在办公室里偶然又看到下面这封差不多三个星期前收到的邮件，想起为什么跑步这件事情，想没准儿你也有兴趣看看。

差不多10个月前，一 群来自汇丰香港的同事号召大陆的同事一起参加上海马拉松的半程比赛，而我们部门的大老板也经常跑步，所以就一起组织这件事情。一开始我们只是想比比到底香 港和大陆谁跑得更快，但是到后来我们决定通过我们的跑步，向一个慈善机构筹集善款，从而帮助四川地震过后的孤儿们。我们为自己设定了7万5千美金的目标， 因为这个数目可以支持一个儿童关爱中心一年的运营费用。对于我们中的很多人来说，半程马拉松都是个极具挑战的项目，我们的举动既有挑战又很有意义。

我 们最终组成了上海、香港和台北三个团队，一共25个运动员。这25个运动员的国籍超过10个，因此我们给自己起名叫Global Runners，还从香港订制了比赛服。这25个运动员里，有连续20年跑步锻炼的老手，也有已经多年没有穿过跑鞋的新手，有台湾和大陆地区的CEO，还 有汇丰等级制度下最junior的行政雇员，而几乎所有人都是第一次参加这个距离的比赛（半程马拉松近13英里）。而11月30日那天，所有人都完成了这 13英里的距离，无论快慢。而到捐款截止日期，我们通过同事和亲友的捐款也达到了52.773.33美元，捐款者的数目超过400人，更是来自几十个国家。

慈善跑结束了，但是Global Runners才刚刚开始，我们中的很多人仍然继续坚持跑步。在香港，一小撮运动员每个周末的清晨还会聚集在太平山顶，完成5-6公里的晨跑；我们的一些 Global Runners因为工作的原因调离到汇丰其他国家，至今也竟在越南、马来西亚、日本组织了自己的Global Runners团队。其实去年的台北team只有台湾地区的CEO一人，但是今天他们也已经有超过10个运动员的团队。在过去的6个月里，Global Runners还参加了珠海、东京、伦敦的马拉松比赛，还有一个Global Runner以Team Beijing的名义参加了上周在十三陵水库的The North Face耐力跑

今年4月份，Ricky作为Global Runners的代表，参观了用我们筹集的善款支持的那个儿童关爱中心，下面的邮件，就是描述他在那里的经历。Ricky也是我在香港工作期间的老板。

Well, 这个差不多就是为什么会有跑步这件事的原因，我之前也从来没有完成过1500米以上的距离，只是发现跑步其实可以得到更多也可以给予更多。这个网站就是我 们当时筹集善款的用的：http://www.firstgiving.com/globalrunners

By the way, 我每天的工作很大一部分就是阅读如下“又臭又长”的邮件，然后向世界各个角落回复这些“又臭又长”的邮件，或者在这些“又臭又长”的原文基础上加上“更臭更长”的文字转发出去，就像我现在在做的这样，哈哈！

希望你们的云南之行有新的进展。Hope to see you soon.

Cheers,
刘畅


> Subject: Fw: [Global Runners] Visit to Big Top No1 supported by you.
> To: wishbone4u
> From: nickliu
> Date: Mon, 27 Apr 2009 18:58:44 +0800
>
> ----- Forwarded by Nick C LIU/GL BKG QDO/HBCN/HSBC on 27/04/2009 06:58 PM
> -----
>
> Ricky K M LAI/GL
> BKG ASP/HBAP/HSBC
> 06 Apr 2009 09:16
> Mail Size: 99381 A
> cc
>
> Subject
> [Global Runners] Visit to Big Top
> No1 supported by you.
>
>
> Dear Global Runners,
>
>
> Some of us will take holidays and celebrate this week, I would like to
> share the following account of my visit to the Big Top No 1 children centre
> supported by Global Runners, something we shall all celebrate, as the
> centre is made happened because of your fund raising effort and donation. I
> tried to broadcast this messages to the 400+ donors via our webpage and
> left their contacts and I received about 390 bounced back email from the
> almighty HSBC email firewall, please share with your friends and family who
> supported you.
>
> Best regards,
> Ricky
>
> **********
>
>
> The Global Runners Shanghai Half Marathon fund raising seems to be far away
> but I finally made my way to Big Top No 1 (BT1) the children centre we
> sponsored. BT1 was set up in one of the temporary settlement, which housed
> more than 20,000 families. In the area, there were a couple similar
> settlements and Half the Sky managed six Big Top centres providing day-care
> for over 100 pre-school children and a larger number of children for
> weekend interest classes.
>
> BT1 was the first facility setup when the settlement was established in Sep
> 2008, four months after the earthquake. It’s a big tent with different
> activities corners under one roof. There is a library, an AV corner and
> corners for different age groups. Other than one project director who has
> been sent into Sichuan, all teachers are recruited locally. I saw the BT1’s
> normal morning activities. It’s actually not much different from what I had
> seen of my children’s normal routine in Hong Kong’s nursery, the children
> sing, dance and sit on a circle to listen stories and to learn. Except BT1
> is a tent and on the day I visited it was raining and temperature inside
> the tent must be less than 6 degree Celsius. The children were all wearing
> multi-layer of overcoats and looked they don’t feel the chill at all. The
> teachers told me temperate in summer could be closed to 40 degree Celsius.
> It’s already spring when I visited and the harsh winter had been passed.
> BT1 actually has equipped its own heating which is uncommon in the
> settlement and it made itself a cozy shelter during the freezing months.
>
> International pre-school learning approach is used in BTs, learning is with
> games and fun. I was surprised to learn that every children has a their
> personal journal which record not only their learning progress but emotion
> observation and development which is done by the teachersand it’s a lot of
> work! I read a couple journals and some accounts about the children when
> they first arrived the BT1 not too long after the earthquake are heavy.
> It’s a relief when I could see them all learning and playing happily almost
> a year after the disaster. Without doubt the Big Top has been a shelter to
> the children.
>
> Thank you for all Global Runners who had reached out to your friends and
> family. Thank you for our 400+ donors from around the world who generously
> supported the Global Runners and our project in Sichuan. The teacher
> repeatedly reminded me to thank everyone who supported the Big Top located
> in a far away town undergoing a long recovery from the earthquake. As an
> email I received from the BT1’s teacher followed my visit, it signed off
> with “God bless you, Gob bless all kind-hearted person”.
>
> See more pictures of Big Top No1 at
> http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=86924&id=584096267&l=35615975d3
>
> Regards,
>
> Global Runners, Team Hong Kong, Shanghai & Taipei
> www.firstgiving.com/globalrunners
> Faccebook.com search: "Global Runners"

我是个后知后觉之人，什么都比别人慢一拍。昨天终于把《Friends》（《老友记》）的大结局看完(估计已经雷倒一片了)。原始剧集从1996年播到2004年，而我也竟从2003年看到2009年。《Friends》播出的十年，纪录了我们最重要的学生时代；看《Friends》的几年，又刻录了我们成长过程的主要转折。快乐，伤感，开怀，感慨，所有《Friends》带给别人的，也毫无例外地让我感同身受着。这种感同身受也在昨天划了句号。

不知怎样去描述过去间间断断地有《Friends》陪伴的过程，索性不费心思去回味。每一次坐在电脑前花上20分钟专注在每一个episode都有各种的原因，因为忙碌需要放松、因为空虚需要陪伴、因为失落需要振作、因为悠闲需要找乐...这些感觉还会有，但是《Friends》结束了，有点儿不知所措了。就好比今天吃饭的时候愣打开关闭一个网站好几次 － 不知道该干什么了。

因为晚上突然醒来睡不着，今天早上又磨蹭到很晚才起床。就这样日复一日地，每天早起的愿望都没有实现，然后就来不及吃早饭、昏昏沉沉地打车到不到2000米远的办公室、11点就饿得不能专心工作、下午2点就想下班、等回味过来之时下班时间已到可工作还没做完、不得已加班到8点、9点半吃完晚饭、不甘心一天这么度过、然后12点才磨蹭到上床...然后是另一个早上晚起和混沌的一天...以及无限次重复下去的糟糕的生活和工作。从每天早起吃早饭上自习到熄灯才回宿舍的学生，到如今拖拉磨蹭混混沌沌的职员，这就是我的2003年到2009年。

Chandler和Monica在大结局里搬进了新居，Phoebe和心上人喜结良缘，Ross和Rachel重归于好，Joey也为“Chicken Jr.”和“Duck Jr.”找到独立的房间，剧本已经结束，可是故事又是新的开始。明天对我来说又可以是个睡懒觉到非起床不可的一个普普通通的工作日，一个我痛恨的生活状态貌似又要重复的一天。人最大的困难是自己，多么俗又多么正确的一句话。《Friends》结束了，我是不是也可以结束这种糟糕的状态，和Chandler们一起有个新的开始？！如果结束也是一种开始，希望现在已经结束，未来已经开始。